As someone who grew up with two older brothers, I can confidently say that our sibling dynamic shaped how I view men. No, it wasn’t just the childhood crushes I formed on their “cool” friends, the way they humbled me with their relentless (but loving) bullying, or even the way they’d threaten any boy who even thought about asking me out in high school. More so, having brothers taught me how the male brain works.
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Jokes aside, they also set a great example for me. Even from a young age, they were respectful of women, loyal to their girlfriends, and considerate of others’ emotions. (Perhaps that’s because they grew up with a sensitive younger sister.) Because of this, I’ve never doubted that there were good men out there, and I’ve refused to settle for less than what I deserve.
With National Brothers Day coming up on May 24, Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, relationship expert at Hily Dating App and Harvard-trained clinical psychologist, spoke about the impact growing up with brothers has on your dating life. Turns out, there is an advantage to all the brotherly bullying I’ve endured. Here are four ways having brothers affects your dating life.
1. You Learn How to Navigate Conflict
Romanoff refers to this as the “bullpen” effect: You grew up surrounded by so much conflict that you’ve learned how to anticipate and navigate any issue that might arise in your relationships.
“Growing up with brothers usually involves a lot of conflict resolution, physically and emotionally,” says Romanoff. “In the sibling arena, you’re wrestling one minute and sharing a pizza the next. In dating, this often manifests as a high tolerance for, and even a comfort with, bluntness and competitive banter with your partner.”
Perhaps this is why I show love through light roasting and playful banter…
“For those without brothers, conflict can feel more personal (less like sport) and more like an attack or something you need to run from,” Romanoff adds. “People with brothers engage in the fight response, whereas brotherless people might be more likely to engage in the flight response, as they prioritize harmony even if it means avoidance.”
2. You See What Masculinity Actually Is
Many men wear a facade when trying to date, but if you grew up with brothers, you likely understand how men operate behind closed doors.
“Having a brother gives you an early, unedited look behind the curtain of the real male experience, not the version they polish up for everyone else,” says Romanoff. “You see the vulnerability behind their bravado way before they start trying to impress anyone.”
All my life, I’ve received feedback from men I’ve dated that I “bring out a side of them no one else has.” Perhaps it’s because I see through the masks they wear. Of course, this also means I wasn’t easy to fool—at least as an adult.
“Later in life, that becomes a pretty sharp ‘no-nonsense’ detector,” says Romanoff. “You can pull from the raw footage of home life to see past superficial charm.”
3. You Have High Standards for Loyalty and Protectiveness
I’ll never forget when my brother ran into my emotionally abusive high school “situationship” (we didn’t even have that term back then) at a party. Let’s just say I never heard another peep from that man again.
“Brothers often set the thermostat for what protection and loyalty look like in heteronormative male-female relationships,” says Romanoff. “Whether he was the protector or the one you had to protect, that core bond creates a blueprint for knowing that they have your back. In the dating world, this can lead to seeking sturdy partners that not only physically can ensure safety but also emotionally will be in your corner.”
My brothers might have been my biggest bullies growing up, but if anyone else even looked at me the wrong way, they “took care of it.” They certainly have set high standards for loyalty and protectiveness.
4. You Can Translate Their Actions
Many men express their feelings through actions rather than words. For example, when my brothers had crushes growing up, they rarely admitted it—but there were signs, like the necklace my one brother bought for his crush and the way my other brother would stumble over his words in his female friend’s presence.
“Many brothers communicate through ‘doing’ and actions instead of being vulnerable and emotionally disclosing how they feel,” says Romanoff. “Brothers teach women how they tend to communicate through tasks, play, or even present silence. This helps women to become fluent in the silent language of men and perhaps could prime you to the meaning of your partner doing acts of service for you and how it’s his way of showing love (e.g., picking you up for a surprise coffee, or your favorite cookie).”
As much as my brothers annoyed the absolute shit out of me growing up, I wouldn’t change our relationship for the world. They’re now both married with children, and they’ve yet again set the standard as loyal, hard-working husbands and kind, present fathers.
The post My Brothers Were My First Bullies—and My Best Dating Coaches appeared first on VICE.