If you’re anything like me, you likely view rest and self-care as a luxury, not a birthright.
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We all deserve—and need—time to relax, recharge, and care for ourselves. But as a perfectionist, I often require myself to check off 10+ daily to-do items before finally slowing down. And when I finally do decide to curl up on my couch and open my fiction novel for some casual reading, my mind is plagued with self-criticism.
“You’re lazy. You forgot to clean the shower. You can’t afford to miss a workout today. You need to cook something healthy tonight. You should really update your Substack.”
So much for finding some peace.
Perfectionism and Self-Care
Perfectionism is a common problem for many people in today’s hyperproductive world, where we’re expected to be “always on.” Always attuned to what’s happening around us, both in our own communities and across the globe. Always on top of the latest trends or beauty routines. Always working on our mental health and becoming “better versions” of ourselves. Always available for loved ones and bosses and social media followers and…Well, you get the point.
The expectations we put on ourselves and each other are exhausting, yet many of us feel guilty for resting. Self-care feels like a selfish waste of time. Even when we try to fill our own cups, we just end up riddled with shame and thinking about all the other, “more important” tasks or responsibilities we should be prioritizing.
In a recent Psychology Today article, writer Sharon Martin, DSW, LCSW, a licensed psychotherapist and codependency expert, drew a connection between perfectionism and people-pleasing, explaining how some people push themselves beyond their limits just to avoid criticism.
“Perfectionists have impossibly high standards for themselves—and sometimes for others, too,” Martin wrote. “We expect ourselves to excel at everything, achieve our goals effortlessly, and always be agreeable. We derive our self-worth from our accomplishments, which means we’re constantly correcting and perfecting, seeking validation, and trying to prove our worth. It’s a stressful way to live.”
When it comes to self-care, people-pleasing perfectionists often feel guilty for prioritizing themselves—especially if their self-care isn’t “productive” in some way.
The People-Pleasing Trap
People-pleasers might spend their time meeting everyone else’s needs, but they rarely slow down enough to meet or even contemplate their own.
“Self-care doesn’t fit our image of perfection,” Martin explained in her article. “We imagine perfect people as self-sacrificing, low-maintenance, don’t-need-anything types who can run on fumes and still get the job done. Because our expectations are unrealistic, we underestimate our need for rest, boundaries, connection, and fun—and then feel guilty for having those needs in the first place.”
This is a common trap that I’ve fallen into over and over and over again. In fact, I still find myself doing this. Right now, I’m battling guilt for advocating for my own needs, even though my body has been screaming at me to please slow down and choose peace. In a way, I feel more valuable as a self-sacrificing machine than I do as an imperfect human with her own wants and needs.
Learning to Care for Yourself as a Perfectionist
If you relate to any of the above, know there’s a way out of this perfectionist mindset. I’m actively working to better care for myself by meeting my own spiritual, physical, and emotional needs. No one else can do it for you, just as you can’t do it for others.
Recently, when writing my new novel—which involves this exact theme—I jotted down something along the lines of: “Why are your own needs and desires so easy to betray, while everyone else’s feel nonnegotiable?”
Self-care is not selfish or inconvenient. It’s literally taking care of yourself on the most basic levels. Eating healthy foods, moving your body, resting when tired, spending time with friends, losing yourself in a good book, making time for hobbies… All things that fuel your spirit and wellbeing. As they say, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
And it doesn’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to be perfect to “deserve” or “earn” self-care.
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